the wondrous (part II)

(if you haven’t read part I yet, please do so.)

I live over a bar in downtown Grand Forks, which is one of the reasons I am still up right now. Although I can sleep through most anything, the combination of it being Friday night and it being slightly noisy downstairs allows me to stay up later than I normally would. If you want to know how the bar is, I couldn’t tell you, since I haven’t been down to visit it. I arrived here in the beginning of January (having left directly after New Year’s Day, the party celebrating which was sufficiently spectacular, and hopefully will contribute to the continuing tradition) during a warm spell. Yes, it was above freezing in North Dakota up until a few days ago, and this morning it was positively (but only barely) chilly on my way to my 8 am class.

I have a great desire to meet new people, but little forceful enough motivation, and I am out of practice. So it goes. I say this not to whine about not knowing anybody, simply as a state of fact, and I am sure that I will cure myself of this eventually, as I open myself up to more and more people each day I am on campus. I see little point in making my way through the smokey barroom tonight or any night though, or, as I should say, I am afraid of going down and trying to meet people. I’d rather go relax somewhere than deal with noise and expensive drinks (although my solution to that is to come back upstairs . . . the drink part anyway!) Perhaps I am different than other people in this, but there are times when I can be incredibly social, and people expect it of one, do they not? I’m half kidding; I know how to act towards people, but the effort of being exactly what everyone expects me to be wears after a while. This is not coming out right at all, but those of you who know me know who I am, and I doubt that anyone else’s snap jusdgements based upon reading this will affect me much in any case.

I would gladly play my guitar or sing or perform in front of any number of people without feeling poorly about it at all [Wow!  How things change over time.  This is an interesting comment when juxtaposed against the previous paragraph. 2014-02-04]. The rush of the spotlight is always fun, and I guess that’s part of the reason I am the way that I am, not always wanting the center of attention but needing it sometimes. It’s a substitute drug for all those that I have never done. The same feeling comes from racing: the pure thought of it throws me into an adrenalin rush. That’s where I seek approval the least, I suppose. Winning or losing, singing well or not, I feel the same (perhaps losing a race is different for awhile, but if I did what I could, I can’t ask for more). The past is in the past, embrace the present and the future, in equal parts as situations dictate. I enjoy entertaining.

This little sketch would not be complete without my love of learning in general, which probably should have been in part I, but permeates most of my decisions. New situations are always useful in learning, and if this sounds hypocritical to my not going down to the bar tonight, then you can chalk it up to my being a poor student whose loan hasn’t been disbursed yet. I enjoy doing new things, but that ‘kick’ to get over it and just do something is sometimes a large one. I read a great deal, listen to people a lot (both to my friends and to strangers), and am working on my own theories of different psychology and how it relates to myself, for how can one learn psychology without it being in reference to themselves? I cycle and run, I am very competitive in almost everything I do. Music makes me happy.

What more could you ask?

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